


THE BET

by incognitostucka



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, they yell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 14:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21429913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incognitostucka/pseuds/incognitostucka
Summary: o:>B
Relationships: DaveKat
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	THE BET

**Author's Note:**

> in my halloween special dave and karkat (namely karkat) speak a Certain Way around their children and i had to ask myself why...
> 
> HALLOWEEN SPECIAL - halloween comic https://mspfa.com/?s=31907&p=1  
AO3 DIALOGUE AUTOFORMATTER - https://www.patreon.com/posts/ao3-dialogue-30455111

CONTEXT: karkat and dave brought obamaa home a few days ago. theyve had john for at least a few months now. mayor jr isnt here yet!!! also theyre in their apartment probably idk why are you ASKING ME

DAVE: hey karkat can i talk to you about something pertaining to our beautiful perfect babyson barack obamaa davekat  
KARKAT: OKAY?  
DAVE: um...hm  
DAVE: this is kind of hard to breach honestly but  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: alright for his sake id better just come out and say it  
DAVE: have you noticed that his horns look like  
KARKAT: LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.  
KARKAT: YOU? ARE OBSESSED. YOU'RE FIXATED. IT'S SLIMY, IT'S GROSS, IT'S PATHETIC AND I WISH YOU'D STOP TALKING FOREVER.  
KARKAT: WE HAVE HAD OUR NEW SON NO MORE THAN FIVE DAYS NOW.  
KARKAT: AND IN THOSE FIVE DAYS, YOU HAVE MADE NO LESS THAN *FIFTY FUCKING DICK JOKES*.  
KARKAT: WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU DESERVE A LIFE SENTENCE. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.  
KARKAT: AT THIS POINT I'M STARTING TO SUSPECT THAT YOU WERE BORN WITH A PHALLUS IN YOUR MOUTH. AND, AND THAT YOU'RE JUST WANDERING THROUGH ADULT LIFE IN SEARCH OF THAT LOST, FUNDAMENTAL COMFORT. YOU FREAK!  
DAVE: lol  
DAVE: baby dave dick in the mouth what will he say  
DAVE: also no youre completely wrong  
DAVE: im not addicted i *choose* to make inappropriate jokes in front of our children  
DAVE: youre the one slinging curse words around like baby crack  
DAVE: stop giving crack to our babies  
DAVE: yesterday when you were on the phone with that telemarketer you taught john the f word the c word and the other f word all in the span of 5 seconds  
DAVE: ive never seen a kid have to grow up so fast it was heartbreaking  
KARKAT: WHY WOULDN'T I CURSE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS? THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT! IS THIS MORE OLD EARTH THOUGHTCRIME FECES ANTIQUARY STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FUCKING SHOE? AND YOU *INSIST* ON TRAILING IT THROUGH THE HOUSE? SHOVE A HUMAN CRUCIFIX UP YOUR DICKHOLE AND DIE. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY FUCKING KIDS!  
DAVE: hey if you didnt curse exclusively through the art of scream it wouldnt be an issue  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  
DAVE: nothing  
KARKAT: WHAT!  
DAVE: its just that our kids are gonna learn that yknow curse words go with yelling and yelling goes with berating your more docile parent and next thing you know weve got one kid in anger management just *trying* to prevent them from ending up in court on domestic abuse charges like the other one   
KARKAT: WHAT...  
DAVE: its not your fault babe its just kids are impressionable and inevitably what they see on tv and what they see at home mixes into an ungodly cocktail of pure evil in their tiny bugmonkey thinkpans   
DAVE: its not like there was anything you ever could have done to stop it  
KARKAT: (HUH...?)  
KARKAT: (MY YELLING? MY YELLING'S AFFECTING THE KIDS?)  
KARKAT: (i don't want my boys to go to jail...they're good boys...)  
DAVE: hahahahahahahhaahhahahahahah  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: my pleasure  
KARKAT: THAT IS *IT*!!!!!!!!!! I BET YOU CAN'T GO UNTIL OBAMAA'S SEVENTH BIRTHDAY WITHOUT MAKING SOME STUPID JUVENILE SEX JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: haha that wont be hard at all   
DAVE: haha i said hard  
DAVE: (the bet hasnt started yet)  
KARKAT: OH?? OH IT WON'T BE HARD, MR. COOLGUY PENISPANTS????????????????????? WON'T IT?????????????  
KARKAT: SHALL I SPILL THE RECEIPTS OF SOME OF THE SHIT *YOU* WERE SAYING WHEN *YOU* WERE 13?  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: i cant make dick jokes when hes 13? but thats like the exact age you start to get them  
DAVE: god damn fucking fake alien years got me again  
DAVE: fine i bet you cant go without cursing for  
DAVE: haha ill go easy on you because youre incompetent and have no chance in hell  
DAVE: 5 minutes  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FA--  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU F--  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, YOU STUPID BITCH?!  
DAVE: karkat  
KARKAT: WHAT!  
DAVE: bitch is a curse word  
KARKAT: ...AH. IT'S.  
KARKAT: ONE OF THE TAMER ONES.  
KARKAT: I FORGOT.  
DAVE: and since you lost that round good luck going without yelling for even a fraction of the smallest unit of time which happens to be the planck i hope youre eavesdropping on this conversation boys cause that ones going in your bedtime quiz  
KARKAT: (I'M NOT YELLING. WHO'S YELLING? NOT ME.)  
KARKAT: (AND I'M HAPPY TO CONTINUE NOT DOING SO FOR THE NEXT HOWEVER *FRACKING* LONG YOU PROPOSE. BECAUSE TO SPEAK IN SUCH A MANNER IS PERFECTLY WITHIN MY NATURE.)  
DAVE: our boys are going to have only the healthiest next 18 years  
KARKAT: (IF ONLY *WE* COULD HAVE HAD THIS GROWING UP. IMAGINE HOW MUCH MORE SANE WE'D BE.)  
DAVE: growing up our where  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  


**Author's Note:**

> in my halloween special dave and karkat (namely karkat) speak a Certain Way around their children and i had to ask myself why...
> 
> HALLOWEEN SPECIAL - halloween comic https://mspfa.com/?s=31907&p=1  
AO3 DIALOGUE AUTOFORMATTER - https://www.patreon.com/posts/ao3-dialogue-30455111


End file.
